brakes

Week 5 had me curtailed on my vision of reality. I assumed to some extent that the adult life would not be that hard. What I had not properly prepared myself for was a lack of love, resources, motivation and passion.

What is so exciting about being an adult? According to the last two months of post-graduate bliss, I have experienced a lot more post-graduate miss.

I took a leap by breaking off a relationship. That leaves me alone; in "that" sense, of course. Taking this internship was one of the most exciting and fun adult decisions I made. I would get a free place to stay. Live with 14 other people and enjoy the California lifestyle. Fact: I live in California, with 14 other people and make $50 a week. I do more than my fair share of 40 hours a week, to which I still only make $50 a week. For the last several months, I have learned the true nature of living within my means, I can still look great, but it sure beats the life they show you on TV. My motivation to do anything is curbed; a curbing of my enthusiasm! I am finding that the traces of depression that still linger are preventing me from enjoying certain things. I am hoping that this week will bring change and growth and that continuing to work towards getting the Peace Corps squared away will jump start my motivation. That leaves passion. Why do I do what I do? I do not know. I am finding that my heroes are human and that being this far from the people I love will always hinder me a little in my abilities to do the best job I can. I miss my friends and family so much sometimes, and long for that feeling when I could run and hug my parents when I needed them most to avoid a looming doom. Those days are gone and I must meet any struggles with my chin up and a strong rationale.

That brings me to the week. This week I had a lot of work to do for our Campus Reps at TOMS. I had to personally send out 200 Promo Packs to each rep and it just felt like that project was bigger that it turned out to be. I am exhausted from that alone. I am also just exhausted emotionally. I do not have a lot of people to talk to down here that I trust, or that I want to be vulnerable with so I am finding that I am bottling up a lot of my feelings. Even worse, it is causing me to shut off from anyone in general. I was faced with a couple of hard financial decisions and struggles. I have faced these problems before, and I will face them again. It all comes down to understanding that it is part of the plan, and that I am not given any hardship that God does not think I can handle. He is always there, and I have learned once more to trust him. I am also working on loving myself and working on my confidence. Do we ever achieve maximum confidence? I would hope not because the learning that goes along with finding confidence is too valuable to ever be without it.

This post for this week doesn't have many details on what I did. I did a lot of nothing. I had a lot of work to do this week and so that took up my time. I went to a wine bar on Wednesday, and Thursday went to a different wine bistro. I got an amazing care package from my dad and spent a lot of quality time with the roommates. It was a great week. I wish this was easier sometimes, this life they require you to endure. Today is hard, Tomorrow will be brighter.

Love